Joke #32 - July 2005

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Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.
Next morning, when she woke him up, he asked, "What for?"
She told him it was time to get ready for school.
"What? Again? he asked."

Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm
your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold
you steady, keep a firm grip on you. Count on it: Every-
one who had it in for you will end up out in the cold -
real losers. Those who worked against you will end
up empty-handed - nothing to show for their lives.
When you go out looking for your old adversaries
you won't find them - Not a trace of your old
enemies, not even a memory. That's right.
Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you
and I'm not letting go. I'm telling you, "Don't
panic. I'm right here to help you." Do you feel
like a lowly worm, Jacob? Don't be afraid. Feel
like a fragile insect, Israel? I'll help you. I, God,
want to reassure you. The God who buys you back,
The Holy of Israel. I'm transforming you from worm
to harrow, from insect to iron. As a sharp-toothed
harrow you'll smooth out the mountains, turn those
tough old hills into loamy soil. You'll open the
rough ground to the weather, to the blasts of
sun and wind and rain. But you'll be
confident and exuberant, expansive
in The Holy of Israel!
Isaiah 41:10-16
The Message

When I Can't Sleep

When I couldn't sleep
I used to count sheep,
As I tossed on my restless bed,

But since I've known Him
I quietly lie
And talk to the Shepherd instead.

And I pray for the sheep
Who have gone astray,
And ask Him to tenderly hold

The little sick lambs,
So torn by the way,
And bring them back to the fold.

And He whispers to me
As I softly repeat
Sweet promises found in His Word,

And my burdens grow less
As I ask Him to bless,
For I know that the Shepherd has heard!

Alice Hansche Mortenson
From the book I Needed The Quiet

A little girl had just finished her first day of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write--and they won't let me talk."

Teacher: Why are you late?
Webster: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
Cindy: You told me to do it without using tables!

Teacher: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
John: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
John: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Sarah: H I J K L M N O!!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Sarah: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: George!

Teacher: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't havae ten years ago.
Willie: Me!

Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
Tommy: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
Ellen: I is...
Teacher: No, Ellen...Always say, "I am."
Ellen: All right... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Teacher: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
Johnny: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Johnny: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil: A teacher.

Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Sylvia: Your name on this report card!

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