Joke #42 - June 2006

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She weighs 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

Sing to the LORD a new song. for he has done
marvelous things; his right hand and his holy
arm have worked salvation for him. The
LORD has made his salvation known and
revealed his righteousness to the nations
He has remembered his love and his faith-
fulness to the house of Israel; all the ends
of the earth have seen the salvation of our
God. Shout for joy to the LORD, all the
earth, burst into jubilant song with music.
Make music to the LORD with the harp,
with the harp and the blast of the ram's
horn - shout for joy before the LORD,
the King. Let the sea resound, and
everything in it, the world, and all
who live in it. Let the rivers clap
their hands, let the mountains
sing together for joy; let them
sing before the LORD, for he
comes to judge the earth
He will judge the world
in righteousness and
the peoples with
equity.
Psalms 98

Never Alone

I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
Hebrews 13:5

I'm never alone in the morning
As I rise at the break of day,
For Jesus who watched through the darkness
Says, "Lo, I am with you alway."

I'm never alone at my table
Though loved ones no longer I see;
For dearer than all who have vanished
Is Jesus who breaks bread with me.

I'm never alone through the daylight,
Though nothing but trials I see.
Though the furnace be seven times heated
The 'form of the fourth' walks with me.

I'm never alone at the twilight
When darkness around me doth creep
And specters press hard round my pillow.
He watches and cares while I sleep.

I'm walking and talking with Jesus
Each day as I travel along.
I'm never alone. Hallelujah!
The joy of the Lord is my song.

--Elizabeth Osborn

Conversion

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith.
To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening. However, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."
"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done."
So, in the tradition of the Patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."
So, in the tradition of the Patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord."
They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel...."

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